"No," I say, shaking my head. I wouldn't admit to it even if there had been. I know how to clean up my messes if it comes to that. I'm not even sure if I would though. The training and instinct both tell me that I should if it happens, but another part of me says I should take whatever punishment comes. Even after several years I don't know what to call that part of me.

"I'm very careful. This is the closest I've come to losing control since I've been here. I don't know why."