[Open - Folly Cemetary - Father's Day]

[irishcoffee]

It was without a doubt, Maggie's least favorite day.

Mother's Day wasn't far behind it but she only had vague memories of her mother. She'd been six when the woman had dropped back out of The Folly. Long enough for Maggie to remember her, but not long enough for anything to remain in her mind beyond little shadows in her mind.

Her father's exit. That she remembered clearly, considering she'd been the one that found him when the last of his attempts to bring her back to the Folly had failed. Magic drained after five years of these attempts, he'd been unable to fight the depression, unable to see anything beyond the loss of the love of his life.

Unable to see the daughter he'd be leaving behind.

She'd seen first hand what magical exhaustion did now that she was fully in her magic now. When she'd been eleven and sent to her foster home, it hadn't been as easy to see at all. She still hated him for leaving, still wished she'd been enough to keep him from giving up, but now, she was a little more accepting of it all.

When she saw a vaguely familiar woman at his gravesite, it took everything she had not to pull the earth, wind and water to her to blast the woman, and the trash around the headstone, into the forest so deep even Bella wouldn't be able to find her.

"Excuse me, but who are you?"

Comments

[everywere]

"You've touched them before," I say, running my hands over my hair. She's touched me everywhere before, although it's mostly been her fingers just brushing along them.

"I could have hurt you."

[irishcoffee]

"I have," Maggie nodded, "but not with the level of energy I had just now. I was sparking lightning outside, Jack. That's not something I do very often. It's possible that the shift in my body chemistry from being with you in that state, combined with the magic under your skin from the runes just...went a little wild and didn't have any other outlet."

She touched his hand. "You could have, yes, but you didn't. But you could also bump into me in the hall, knock me on my ass and hurt me that way, too, right?"

[everywere]

"I- I can control my physical movements," I say, clenching my hands in frustration. I hate not being in control, I hate the loss of it, I hate that at times I can't control myself.

"I would never bump into you in the hall."

[irishcoffee]

"It was a hypothetical, Jack, not an accusation," Maggie countered, her voice soft and soothing in reaction to the tension in his hands and his voice. "Take a breath, love, okay?"

[everywere]

"I know it wasn't. I just- I hate that I can't control myself. I hate that I don't know how or why I'm this way."

And I hate having to admit all of that. When I was by myself I didn't have to, I could loathe myself and no one would care. But Maggie cares and as much as I want to, I'm not going to hide this part of me from her. At least not completely.

[irishcoffee]

She remembered the night they met, the confusion she felt in him, when he said he didn't know for sure what forms he took. "What have you done to try and find out? Do you have any memories, even small ones?"

A vague idea was forming in the back of her mind.

[everywere]

"I sort of remember things," I say, although I know it's not what she means. The memories that I have aren't memories of doing things, just of what the training drilled into me.

"I remember things I was trained to do and how to do them. But I don't remember the actual training."

[irishcoffee]

"What kind of things were you trained to do? Did it have a military feel to it, or something more secretive?"

Maggie knew enough about the world the DIs came from - about spy organizations and military ones - that did such things. She couldn't help but wonder if Jack had been a part of something like that.

[everywere]

"Both," I say, although I'm not sure if either of those are entirely true. I feel like it's mostly military though, I'm not sure what things most spies do, but there are situations I wouldn't be good at.

"But I don't- I don't think I was really meant to interact with society much. I think I was mostly supposed to kill people or- or things like that."

[irishcoffee]

Maggie nodded; that didn't surprise her much. "As I understand it, that was the main purpose of people trained that way. One DI told me his whole purpose in life was coloring outside the lines. I think what he meant was that he took care of things his government couldn't do officially."

She watched him as she spoke, looking to see if there was any recognition there.

[everywere]

"I don't like knowing these things," I admit, only that's not entirely true. Part of me does, because I can keep people safe. I can keep Maggie safe. I know she can do so much herself, but she's only one person, she can't think about her safety all the time.

"Do you know what the worst part is?"

[irishcoffee]

"Tell me," she said simply looking up into his conflicted eyes.

[everywere]

"I volunteered for this," I say, looking down at the silver tattoos on my body. I've lived with them for so long I don't really think about it much, but they hurt. Constantly.

"I don't remember doing it, but I know you can't make an effective soldier or operative out of someone you forced in to something. At some point I gave permission for people to do this to me."

[irishcoffee]

Everything in her cries out to pull him into her arms and just hold him until the hurt and conflict in them goes away. "I would argue that without a memory of your voice saying that you agreed, or finding something you signed, that you don't know that for sure, but I won't argue the logic that a coerced soldier isn't an effective one at all. I will say that there are many ways to get someone to an agreeable state of mind."

[everywere]

"What type of person volunteers to become a better killer?"

I stare down at my hands and wonder how many people I've hurt or killed. How many people are dead that I have no memory of? That doesn't seem right to me. I feel like if you take a life, you should remember that. At the very least that should be your penance.

[irishcoffee]

Maggie reached out and took his hands in hers, gave them a squeeze. "Jack, you don't know what lead you to be in that position. You don't know if you were escaping some other hell, you don't know if you were coerced or even brainwashed into it."

[everywere]

"Exactly. For all I know I did this because I like killing and want to be better."

I'd almost rather know. I'd rather be faced with that possibility instead of never knowing. I don't mention either that I don't know if I have a family back home. She doesn't need to hear that. It's doubtful, I wouldn't make a good... whatever I'm supposed to be if I had ties to back home. Still. I don't know.

[irishcoffee]

Maggie sighed and squeezed his hands once more before releasing them. "And for all you know, you weren't. Jack, I'd say I'm a fair judge of character and I don't see that sort of sociopathic bent from you. Never have. No one who enjoyed killing would have fallen apart the way you did when that little fuck caught fire from his own bomb."

[everywere]

"Maybe that's only because I'm different now," I say, slowly lowering myself down to sit on the floor. I haven't had thoughts like this in a while, not since I met Maggie. Apparently even someone as wonderful as her can't make up for the monster that I am. Or that I might be.

[irishcoffee]

"You can maybe yourself until you're crazy with it, doesn't make any of it true," Maggie said, going to the floor to sit next to him. "And, no, it doesn't make any of it untrue, either. All you can do is make the best of who you are here, and now."

[everywere]

"You're the best of what I have here and now," I say, reaching over to easily pull her onto my lap and nuzzle her neck. It's comforting, holding her close like this, breathing in her scent. As much as I like the frenzied, almost manic sex, I like these calm moments just as much.

[irishcoffee]

Maggie settled right into his lap, her cheek against his chest. "I"m glad I can be that for you. If it matters, the time I've spent with you this past month is, far and away, the happiest I've ever been in this town. Ever. From as far back as I have memories."

[everywere]

"You too," I say, pressing a kiss against her neck. She's so good to me that I don't know what I'd do without her. I'd probably be miserable all the time. Even worse off than this.

"I don't have nearly as many memories as you do, of course."

[irishcoffee]

"So then how about we make a lot of really good memories from here out? Your past is a huge question mark, Jack, but so is your future. Since that's the only one we can do anything about, why don't we focus on making some happy memories together?"

[everywere]

"I think I'd be okay with that," I say, wrapping my arms around her and holding her close. I can't imagine what I've done to deserve her, to find someone that actually makes me happy. That makes me feel human. At least most of the time. I don't mind when she makes me feel like an animal.