faelans_folly | (no subject)

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Now that I don't necessarily hate what I am I've been enjoying my differences a lot more. On days that I don't work I like spending time at the cafe with Maggie. A good part of the time I like doing that in my wolf form. While my mind is still my own there's something about being in canine form that makes it easier to focus on the here and now and take joy in the little things.

The customers, at least the regulars, have gotten used to me. They don't know I'm also Jack, Maggie's boyfriend, they just think I'm the friendly wolf-like dog that likes to play with them. I've even had a few kids ride me around the shop. It's hard to hate what you are when it makes little kids giggle. There's something about the freedom of being in my wolf form that makes it okay to be... playful.

Which is what I'm in the mood for right now, playful. That's why I'm here at the shop as a wolf, eagerly greeting costumers at the door or making a nuissance of myself with Maggie and the other employees by weaving myself around their legs. I could get used to being playful.

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I bark a laugh and nuzzle higher up her leg, knowing it's a completely empty threat. Because hey, I'm a dog, how could I know better than to lift her dress up higher like I'm doing?

I like that she's playful too though, I've never had a relationship like this before. At least that I can remember, which considering my amnesia might not be saying much. I don't think it detracts from how special she is though.

I somehow manage to get the cookies into the bake case without my "puppy" flashing my ass or causing me to land on it. When the last of the chores are done, I take my coffee mug to the comfy bench seat in front of the window and tuck my legs under me, patting the soft leather for him.

I give another happy bark and jump up on the bench next to her. I dip my head down to push it into her lap and under her hand, angling for a head scratch. That's something I think I like equally as a human and as a wolf. Probably some of the other animals I can turn into too.

"Ah, my puppy wants a bit of a head scratch, does he?" I laugh when I find my hand filled with the soft fur of his head. I work my fingers along his head and behind his ears. "I suppose I can manage that since you didn't succeed in tripping me this time."

I lean down and press a kiss to the soft patch just between his eyes.

I look up at her with a wolfish grin, tongue lolling out the side of my mouth before I rest my head in her lap and growl happily. She's always a good sport about indulging me when I'm like this, or any other shape, and I'm grateful for it. There aren't a lot of women that stop batting an eye the second or third time they wake up in bed with a bear.

I add another ear scratch in and straighten, noticing a little boy watching us intently. "I think you have an admirer."

I'm reluctant to leave because the ear scratching is so nice but I know that I can get that another time. The little boy has no guarantee that he'll ever get to see a wolf this big up close.

I give a bit of a whine, just so she knows that I'm being very sacrificing about this, and then get down off the bench and head over to the boy. I sniff the side of his face before licking the side of his face playfully.

The little boy giggles at the wet kiss to his cheek before setting about the serious business of petting Jack's giant form with ear scritches and neck rubs before his mother returns from the bathroom and comes over. We share a few words, mostly me soothing her that Jack isn't vicious, before they take their leave, the boy waving at Jack on their way out.

"You have a way with the little ones, don't you?"

I huff affirmatively before tilting my muzzle up proudly. I do like kids, apparently. I had never thought about it before, not trusting myself around them or having an excuse to be around them, but she's right. They seem to take to me, at least while I'm an animal, and I like them too.

I look at her and tilt my head to one side quizically, as if to as her thoughts on kids.

I'm up before we can make eye contact. "I should check the fridge, make sure I have enough eggs for tomorrow morning. Ellie said she wanted to make cupcakes for Hallowe'en."

With any luck, I'll be in the pantry before the tears fall.

I give a little whimper and follow after her, because I don't need to have enhanced senses to know that she's upset. Given the topic of our "conversation" I imagine it can be any number of things. But I'm not going to let her just run off over this.

I trail next to her, bumping into her leg to let her know that I'm here and not going anywhere.

I wipe at my eyes and sniff, though it sounds a little like a laugh, too. "Pushy, aren't you?"

I turn and crouch down, my arms around his furry neck, burying my face against the warmth and breathing him in.

I nuzzled against her, pressing myself into her. Later, when I can, I'll hold her as a human and keep her close but this might be better for now. I can't talk back or try to fix whatever is wrong, I can just be a solid presence here for her.

"Good thing I like pushy," I answer the press, nuzzling his neck the same way I do when he's human. "We'll talk about it when you have a voice, okay? But I've never thought about kids."

Then, almost inaudible, "until recently."

I lick her face, hoping to cheer her up and let her know that I'm fine with talking about this whenever she wants. I know what this is about though, this is about the fact that I probably can't have kids. Whatever was done to me altered me on a genetic level so there's no telling what any children I have would be like, even if I could have them.

For the moment, I'm happy to just sit here in my kitchen with him warm against me. Calendars and dates and schedules don't filter in at all. It's just us here, just us together, and I'll think about the worries later.

I don't mention it again until later that night when we're home alone together. I feel terrible about it but I know that I should say something. Just ignoring this sort of thing will only make it worse. Even I know that.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, coming up behind her and wrapping my arms around her, burying my face in the side of her neck.

It had been one of the longest days of my life and it had the potential to get even longer. I know that, I embrace it, but there's nothing for it but to face what is.

I climb into his arms like I always do, scaling him like a monkey to wrap myself around him. "What are you sorry for?"

"Because I don't thin I can have kids," I tell her, voice choking on the words as I hold her tight. I can't look at her right how and the shame of the situation is killing me. I try to remember it's not something I could really control and she won't love me any less for it.

"Because if what was done to me. I'm so sorry."

I know by the way he holds me that he wants to avoid my eyes. I don't fight him on that because I need to avoid his as well. He can read me better than anyone except Levi. Hell, probably better than Levi.

"And if you could? If what was done had no bearing on...on that part of you?"

The question hurts, even though I know she doesn't mean it to. Wanting something you can't have is never good to dwell on, but it's a fair question all the same and I know the answer to it.

"I'd like to. If it was with you, I'd like to."

I pull back at once, my hands find his face and force his eyes to mine. I don't see the pain - I'm too afraid to trust what I've heard. "You would? Really?"

"Of course," I say, forcing myself to keep my eyes on hers. Reaching out I run my fingers through her hair, trying to distract myself from the age in my heart by comforting her.

"Oh Jack," I manage through the tears gathering in my eyes and the emotion clogging my throat. "You might want to sit down."

"Maggie, just tell me what the hell you're thinking," I say, suddenly worried. The entire time at the cafe and now all the questions at home and she's yet to tell me what she's thinking and now I'm scared.

She's the protector of this place, or at least the human face of it. She's a descendant of the original Faelan. Of course she has to have a kid. She has to have a baby with someone, I realize that now. And I can't give it to her.