(no subject)

[everywere]

Now that I don't necessarily hate what I am I've been enjoying my differences a lot more. On days that I don't work I like spending time at the cafe with Maggie. A good part of the time I like doing that in my wolf form. While my mind is still my own there's something about being in canine form that makes it easier to focus on the here and now and take joy in the little things.

The customers, at least the regulars, have gotten used to me. They don't know I'm also Jack, Maggie's boyfriend, they just think I'm the friendly wolf-like dog that likes to play with them. I've even had a few kids ride me around the shop. It's hard to hate what you are when it makes little kids giggle. There's something about the freedom of being in my wolf form that makes it okay to be... playful.

Which is what I'm in the mood for right now, playful. That's why I'm here at the shop as a wolf, eagerly greeting costumers at the door or making a nuissance of myself with Maggie and the other employees by weaving myself around their legs. I could get used to being playful.

Comments

[irishcoffee]

I wipe at my eyes and sniff, though it sounds a little like a laugh, too. "Pushy, aren't you?"

I turn and crouch down, my arms around his furry neck, burying my face against the warmth and breathing him in.

[everywere]

I nuzzled against her, pressing myself into her. Later, when I can, I'll hold her as a human and keep her close but this might be better for now. I can't talk back or try to fix whatever is wrong, I can just be a solid presence here for her.

[irishcoffee]

"Good thing I like pushy," I answer the press, nuzzling his neck the same way I do when he's human. "We'll talk about it when you have a voice, okay? But I've never thought about kids."

Then, almost inaudible, "until recently."

[everywere]

I lick her face, hoping to cheer her up and let her know that I'm fine with talking about this whenever she wants. I know what this is about though, this is about the fact that I probably can't have kids. Whatever was done to me altered me on a genetic level so there's no telling what any children I have would be like, even if I could have them.

[irishcoffee]

For the moment, I'm happy to just sit here in my kitchen with him warm against me. Calendars and dates and schedules don't filter in at all. It's just us here, just us together, and I'll think about the worries later.

[everywere]

I don't mention it again until later that night when we're home alone together. I feel terrible about it but I know that I should say something. Just ignoring this sort of thing will only make it worse. Even I know that.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, coming up behind her and wrapping my arms around her, burying my face in the side of her neck.

[irishcoffee]

It had been one of the longest days of my life and it had the potential to get even longer. I know that, I embrace it, but there's nothing for it but to face what is.

I climb into his arms like I always do, scaling him like a monkey to wrap myself around him. "What are you sorry for?"

[everywere]

"Because I don't thin I can have kids," I tell her, voice choking on the words as I hold her tight. I can't look at her right how and the shame of the situation is killing me. I try to remember it's not something I could really control and she won't love me any less for it.

"Because if what was done to me. I'm so sorry."

[irishcoffee]

I know by the way he holds me that he wants to avoid my eyes. I don't fight him on that because I need to avoid his as well. He can read me better than anyone except Levi. Hell, probably better than Levi.

"And if you could? If what was done had no bearing on...on that part of you?"

[everywere]

The question hurts, even though I know she doesn't mean it to. Wanting something you can't have is never good to dwell on, but it's a fair question all the same and I know the answer to it.

"I'd like to. If it was with you, I'd like to."

[irishcoffee]

I pull back at once, my hands find his face and force his eyes to mine. I don't see the pain - I'm too afraid to trust what I've heard. "You would? Really?"

[everywere]

"Of course," I say, forcing myself to keep my eyes on hers. Reaching out I run my fingers through her hair, trying to distract myself from the age in my heart by comforting her.

[irishcoffee]

"Oh Jack," I manage through the tears gathering in my eyes and the emotion clogging my throat. "You might want to sit down."

[everywere]

"Maggie, just tell me what the hell you're thinking," I say, suddenly worried. The entire time at the cafe and now all the questions at home and she's yet to tell me what she's thinking and now I'm scared.

She's the protector of this place, or at least the human face of it. She's a descendant of the original Faelan. Of course she has to have a kid. She has to have a baby with someone, I realize that now. And I can't give it to her.

[irishcoffee]

"I'm thinking," I start, swallow, stop, start again. "I'm thinking that I'm very glad you feel the way you do about kids. Because in about eight months you're going to have to put up or shut up."

[everywere]

I frown, trying to understand what she's saying. A part of my brain understands it, she's not being terribly unclear but I find it so hard to believe that my mind refuses to really process it.

"You mean, you're going to have a baby in 8 months?"

[irishcoffee]

"Close," I answer, keeping his face in mine. "It would be more precise to say that I'm going to have our baby in 8 months."

[everywere]

I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out. What could I say? I had no doubt that any baby she was carrying was mine, even if I knew she wouldn't cheat on me it would have essentially been impossible for her to do so without me finding out.

But I had so strongly assumed it wasn't possible for me that I don't know how to process this. I meant what I said, I would have liked to have children with her, just being confronted with that reality was something else.

"But how?"

[irishcoffee]

I level an eyebrow at him. "You mean to tell me they didn't go over this in health class at some point in your school career?"

I can't help it. I want to laugh, cry, sing, everything. All at the same time.

[everywere]

My eyes leave hers for a moment as I look outside to check the weather. Gorgeous weather, which means that she's happy, which is very good. I still don't know what to say, but I smile big at her and hug her close, blinking away tears.

"Didn't think it was possible."

[irishcoffee]

"I didn't think it was either. Something my father said," I tell him, "magic he wrought. But when I went on my walk earlier, when I Looked to see and found the little life under my heart, I remembered what he said. He wasn't dooming me to childless life, he was making sure it wouldn't happen until...until I met you."

Damn it all, but my eyes were leaking again, running rivers down my cheeks.

[everywere]

"We're going to have a baby," I say, not sure if I'm more delighted or terrified. The realization of what it means, of the responsibility of it all is more than a little bit terrifying. I'll be a terrible father. I will. I'm a mess of a person, how am I supposed to teach a tiny person to not be a mess.

"We're going to have a baby."

[irishcoffee]

I nod, my eyes searching his face through the tears. I take his hand and lead it to the small of my stomach just under my belly button. "What are you thinking?" I ask softly.

[everywere]

"I'm going to be a terrible father," I mutter, although I can't help but give a little laugh because despite that, I'm still happy about this, still excited.

"Good thing I know you'll be an amazing mother."

[irishcoffee]

I smile because if there's one consistent thing, it's Jack's ability to think the worst of himself.

"On the contrary, I think you're going to be an amazing father. Which is good because I'll probably be terrible. The only mother figure I have to draw on is Levi's and she's a pit viper. Guess we'll just have to work it out together?"